Sunday, October 11, 2009

Halloween Awesomeness, I


If you look around the Internet, everyone who runs a blog or who Tweets is having a horror movie marathon for Halloween. I'd love to do that, but I can't watch a movie a day. Besides, sometimes I wonder if I've already seen most of the horror flicks out there worth watching. That isn't to say I've seen *everything," it's just that finding 31 new scary flicks worth my time might be a challenge.

But the temptation to at least watch a few monster movies as Halloween approaches is too much, so I decided to have a "Here and There Horror Movie Marathon." What that means is that I'll probably watch one or two a week. Small potatoes, but there it is.

My first foray into hunting down a scary movie that I haven't seen before resulted in my watching a curious little film called SATAN'S BLOOD. Gah. I know. But the back cover blurb involved a Ouija board, and that was what got me. Indeed, there was some Ouija action. There was also lots of naked people frolicking during Satanic ceremonies. Orgies, that is. In addition, I was treated to an evil walking doll. And a dead dog.

Now, I know what you're thinking. WTF? Believe me--I'm right there with you. But there are some of you out there who know what's it's like to be strangely charmed by a creepy horror flick, no matter how weird it gets. You enjoy the "Eeee" of it. You enjoy the organ music and the thunder, lightning, and shadows. You enjoy being somewhat repulsed because you can always hide your face behind a pillow or watch through your fingers.

So let me tell you a bit more about this flick, should you want to watch it. (Chances are low, but whatever.)

It opens with this super freaky scene in which some dark priest guy totally gets it on with what I think was a sacrificial virgin. I'm not sure this scene is ever really fully explained during the course of the movie; you have to infer that it has something to do with all the Satan stuff going on, I suppose. Or maybe I was spacing out, as I often do during TV time.

Anyway, the action moves forward to what was then "present day." Our hero and heroine walk out of a theater playing STAR WARS--no joke--so I think that's partly why I couldn't stop watching this movie, because of my utter, crazy loyalty to STAR WARS. Meanwhile, some lady on the soundtrack is going "La-dah-de-dah-dah-deh" to total 70s/Rosemary's Baby type music. The protagonists are toodling about their normal lives, having no idea that this lady is stalking them with devil tunes.

Oh, and what adds to the creepiness is the fact that this is a Spanish movie and it's badly dubbed. Somehow, this always makes things more surreal.

Next, our hero and heroine meet a couple whom they supposedly know, but the h/h don't recall ever knowing these other people. (The guys supposedly have a mutual friend named "Frank Bradshaw," which cracked me up because...really? There's a Frank Bradshaw in Spain? Come on, dubbing people, we already know this does not take place in Farmville, America, so just name him Julio Peralta or something.) Then they trek up to the mystery couple's house, which is introduced through a veil of mist and ominous organ music.

I have to mention that this mystery couple is WAY too friendly. Like, ucky friendly, where any sane person would NEVER go home with them. Of course, whacky foreshadowing starts happening up at that house: porcelain dolls laying about, a picture of a man wearing a, like, goat devil head. Best of all, the heroine catches the hostess in the kitchen snorting and snarfing something right off a table, like she's literally a pig. I don't know about you, but if I saw someone gobbling up gut kibbles from a tabletop, I'd jet.

But our hero and heroine somehow stay put, because this is a horror flick and they need to be stupid and keep to the conventions of the genre. (Okay, so their car won't start--but are their legs working? Run, fools, run!) Even when a convenient storm gathers outside and something starts howling, they're cool with it. They even take part in that Ouija board stuff I talked about earlier, as if this isn't asking for a shitload of trouble.

Then it all goes porno and nuts. There are rituals, complete with lots and lots of massage oil. There's also blood, blood, blood. Actually, it's a tad awesome, because there're some twists in the plot so you can tell yourself that you're still watching the movie because you're into the story.

Would I recommend this? I don't know. It had some good Halloween mood going for it. If you like insane, dubbed devil movies from the 70s, this would really be up your Satan's Alley. And it did have STAR WARS, too....

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